We’ve all been there, offering support, but how many times have people actually reached out? How many times did they call and actually ask for help?
The Flaws in Just Asking
The most common response to someone sharing that they’re struggling is some form of “let me know if I can help” or “I’m here to help however you want.” Although not inherently flawed, this puts the responsibility of reaching out and defining what exactly someone needs on the person who is already struggling.
Sometimes, the grief becomes all-consuming and thinking about anything other than that person seems impossible; sometimes the depressive episode stops them from even leaving bed; sometimes, their thoughts are moving too fast to form a complete or coherent thought; sometimes they’re just too burnt out to keep communicating. In these moments, the people you care about may not know what would help, or they might be incapable of communicating their needs.
Just Take Action
To say, “just take action” is a bit of a simplification; there’s a lot more to it, but the idea is to prioritize physically showing up rather than waiting for a text that might never appear. There’s nothing wrong with sending a text to check in. In fact, sending that text can be incredibly meaningful to the person and remind them that there are people there for them; a text to check in fails when it’s the only action taken.
So What Should You Do?
Start with rephrasing your texts, for example:
- Let me know if I can do anything → I know you’re dealing with a lot. I can do x, y, and z tonight; take a break.
- Are you okay? → Hey, I don’t know what you’re dealing with, but I want you to know that our friendship/relationship doesn’t hinge on you being okay. If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.
After sending a text, don’t stop there; find some way that you can show up to make something easier (help with laundry, watch the kids, make dinner, clean the house, etc.). The exact thing you do isn’t what matters. It’s the act of showing up without putting more pressure on them and offering nonjudgmental love and support.
It’s hard to see someone you love/care about struggling and know what exactly they need, so take it day by day, do the small things that might’ve piled up. They may not be ready to talk about it, so give them the space to wait; when they’re ready to talk, they will.
